The inner devil and Serial Experiments Lain

Do you sometimes feel like you have a little devil inside you? I feel like this. A lot. Especially in the last weeks I feel like this more often and often and I am scared of myself because of this. And this is also, at least that's what I think, the topic of Serial Experiments Lain.

Lain is ... a complicated show. I am not sure if I really got everything that series wanted to tell me but I also think that this is not really important because everyone can have their own experience with something, especially with a weird show like Serial Experiments Lain with a confusing story about a girl called Lain which learns how to use computers and becomes some kind of celebrity in The Wired, that's how the internet of that show is called. In reality Lain is a introverted girl with not much friends and gets bullied by her own friends but in The Wired she is known as extroverted and maybe kind of sexy and outgoing. Lain claims to know that she doesn't know about that other self in The Wired and I am not really sure if this is the case or if she lies or if she just doesn't want to admit to herself that is she is different in The Wired but I am at least sure they, the Lain in reality and the Lain in The Wired, are the same person.

And that marks the point I want to talk about, the other self. Like I stated at the beginning I begin to become afraid of myself because I think I have some kind of demon in myself. Sometimes there are these moments were some kind of lever gets moved and I am suddenly the biggest asshole you can imagine, spreading hate all over the world. Which is the total opposite of what I want - I want to make people happy. I want to entertain. And the huge problem is that I simply don't know what I really think anymore. If the things I say when this lever is moved are my real thoughts or not, I am not sure.

This other self has a huge influence on Lain's life. Her only friend, Alice, even turns away from Lain as Lain's other self made the relationship between Alice and her teacher public. Which is totally a dick move but nothing the real Lain would ever do. That is something I am extremely scared of. That I do something which is so wrong that others begin to leave me behind which is actually the thing I want the least. I like to talk to others and share opinions and that's why I don't know why I sometimes say the complete opposite. Was I just born to spread hate? Am I an evil devil born to hurt others even if I don't want to? I don't know but I sure feel like this and I am sure Lain had the exact same problem. I am sorry for all the bad things I say. I already got a psychologist and hope she can help me so that I don't have to suffer the same fate as Lain. 

The one thing and Sayonara, Zetsubou Sensei

What is the one thing? I was told that everyone has this one thing that drives them forward. But I can't think of one thing that is that important to me. I like to think about a lot of things but nothing seems so important to me that it is the one reason for me to live.

Let's take anime for example because most of you should know me because of anime. A Silent Voice is my favorite film of all time. It is extremely important to me. But would I call it so important to me that is the one thing I live for? I don't know why I should, to be completely honest. Yes, it's a nice film, I cry while watching it but why should I care so much about it that it keeps me living? I don't know. I like to see it and yes, it would be sad if I can't watch it anymore when I'm dead but I'm pretty ready to accept that. I mean, life is shitty enough. I'm used to it, I may say.

Some of you may argue now that friends or family should be important to live for. At first: I fuckin' hate my family. Every single one of them. Okay, except for my brother, he is alright but not more. Now friends: I think I am not really able to value friendship, I guess? Like, I have someone who is very, very and yes: very important to me and if I would die, I couldn't talk with them anymore. That would be sad, I guess, but as it is the case with A Silent Voice: I am ready to accept that. I just wanna be fuckin' dead, okay? And I am pretty sure that if you would give me a gun it wouldn't take long that I just point it at my head. The only thing that keeps me from dying is pain. I hate pain, physical pain.

And here is me talking about Sayonara, Zetsubou Sensei and why I like it so much. Or you could say: Why I relate to the protagonist, Nozomu. The show starts with Nozomu trying to kill himself but he gets, more or less, saved by a girl called Fuura who is the most positive being on Earth while Nozomu reprents the most negative person on Earth. He often talks about killing himself and show is constantly making jokes about it and you might think: Whoa, that's pretty harsh - but no, it is my kind of humor. I also joke about killing myself pretty often and Zetsubou Sensei works with that exact same humor. Of course that is harsh because we are talking about something pretty serious here: ending a life - but that is why we are joking. We don't want to make something so sad to many sound so harsh. At least that's kind of my reason. Ignoring pain, emotional pain, with humor.
And there is something else which might be only my interpretation but: The theme of the show is thinking about ... stuff. Every kinds of stuff - how a story is told, dream endings, excuses, overprotectiveness, stalking - I could endlessly name stuff this show is about or what Nozomu thinks about. Like me he is always thinking but nothing touches him emotionally - he is just thinking because he likes to think and maybe because that distracts him from thinking about killing himself, just like I do. He has no one thing and I would argue that this show is partially about Nozomu finding the one thing that would keep him alive, just like I am searching. Maybe I am searching, I don't even know. But I am pretty sure I don't have that one thing but maybe I will find it someday. Would be nice at least to have a reason to live.